Category Archives: more distractions

I’m no good at this

Hello all, can’t believe i let 2 months slip away from my latest update…  it appears I’m not built for blog-writing. Blogs are for people who have an urge to share something on a fairly regular basis, and I think that’s where I’m failing. Not so much on the sharing something part, as it appears things happen to me almost daily. It’s more about the urge to share that I’m terrible at.

Now, I’m not walking around going “oh, folks don’t need to hear about this part of my treatment” because I know that’s important news to my friends. I do, however, seem to have a hard time sharing information via blog. Not like I’m a recluse, but I do feel like what I usually have to share is not the lightest of news – I mean, we are talking about living with Stage IV cancer here – and I just feel like a downer sometimes.

While we’re here, just a little update on my progress: Started taking chemo pills this month in place of the day-long infusion I was undergoing before. I like the pills much better, I take 2 weeks of them and then enjoy a week off of them (I’m in that off-week now). The pills are a lower dosage so the side effects are really mild, if there are any; I have yet to discover them. So I’ll take some more rounds of these pills, then check how well they’re doing with yet another CT scan in the upcoming months. if they work like we think they should, this could be a manageable long-term solution to keeping the tumors at bay. Until then, I’m enjoying the spring as I wanted, feel generally normal, and pass the time watching the hair grow back on my head. I still look like a mangy dog at the moment but at least the hair fairy came back to grace my chrome dome again.

So there’s not going to be much here after this post (not like there was much in the past 2 months before it), I just don’t think this is right for me. I dislike talking about myself in a blog-type situation but I’ll happily answer any direct questions anyone might have. Stay strong, thank you as always for your healing thoughts, and get outside and enjoy what’s left of spring. Feel free to hit me up if you have any other questions, I like to talk to people – just on a more personal level.

Love to all,


Hi all! Long time no post, can’t believe how fast the holidays whiz by these days… I’ve been getting requests for updates on my health lately so it’s time to get back to it.

Earlier this month I took my 3rd annual skiing trip to Denver with my good friend Ken and a few other partners in crime… even with my best efforts to maximize my health – I moved a chemo infusion appointment out a bit so I could heal longer without a new round of side effects getting in the way – I still was struggling with getting enough oxygen from the thin air up there. Never got over it, was huffing and puffing every day.  I’m not certain I can make it back there for skiing next year, I’ll have to see how things look in about 9 months.

Before I was diagnosed in September 2015, I spent that summer kind of in a funk… I wasn’t making any art but and was struggling to find new avenues to interest me. I took up ceramics for a bit, screen printing, even some leatherwork. The lack of intensity I was experiencing with what should have been perfectly good avenues of creativity left me very frustrated and blue. Then came the cancer.

Since then, I’ve been stuck in healing/fighting-for-my-life mode and hoping there would come a time where I could feel the same obsession about something. The last time I went thru this was when I started homebrewing 14 years ago. I would lose sleep mentally going over all the details for making my own 10-gallon all-grain brewing system. Eventually I got all the resources together and enjoyed putting everything together almost as much as drinking the final product that came out of the beer tap. It was an altogether satisfying experience and I felt very proud to have created a brewing system – from crushing grains to converting a chest freezer to a refrigerated beer cooler – that is still functional.

Luckily for me, I happen to have been inspired by 2 completely different realms of creativity lately that I’ve been equally obsessive about, and that has given me new hope for my future mindset.

Christine and I have been watching the Great British Baking Show on Netflix lately and I started thinking about trying to start a batch of sourdough starter (again) to see whether I could be patient with it enough to crank out some homemade bread, in order to offset the amount of nasty GMO-filled store-bought bread in the house. I did research, went over the type of tasty baked goods I could make in my head at night, and the result is I have a nicely-functioning starter I’ve been cultivating for about 6 weeks now.

But that wasn’t it, apparently. On a visit to my brother-in-law’s auto/motorcycle workshop I noticed a stack of discarded iron leaf springs and suddenly had an urge to do something with all that metal. I’ve been watching people make some pretty decent chef’s knives out of old scrap metal using blacksmithing techniques – using anvils, quenching the metal, sanding and filing, making wooden handles, that sort of stuff.

And the light, the obsessive creative ball of energy I’ve been missing for 14 years came back. In my creative environment, I now have purpose again. I’ve spent plenty of nights awake mentally putting the components together and imagining what it will be like to begin the process. I’ve built my foundry already, I’ve created a stand for my anvil, all I have to do now is heat-test my foundry one more time and then I’m going to be hitting hot metal with my trusty hammer.

These events have given me and my mind something to get out of bed for, with more energy, more joy. I don’t know how many damned corners there are to this journey but I think I just turned another one. A great big one that took 14 years to get around. it is the impetus to the next phase of healing and I have the perfect song that plays in my head (very loud) now every time I think of blacksmithing…. which is quite a lot lately. Video below.

I love you all. Knives for everyone!

Justification, the means are the end
Doctrine and dogma, I will not relent
This world a garden in need of such weeding
This world a minefield in need of such sweeping
This ministration without full consent
Fire and brimstone, I will not relent
Just as all good things must come to an end
I will administer as I see fit
I will not relent
I will not relent
I will not relent
I am driven
I am driven

ugly boy

ugh. last infusion coming tomorrow. i need a blower. so many bleeding fingers…. toes…. nose….. face…

Marilyn Manson, Aphex Twin, Dita Von Teese, Jack Black, The ATL twins, Cara Delevingne, and Flea all make appearances here. see you on the next round.

this helps from my better half.  Anything you want, Christine, you got it…..
Ooh I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
Yes I just love him cause he’s so crazy
Just crazy about me
Ooh I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
Yes I just love him cause he’s so crazy
Just crazy about me
Aye, you and me make the whole world jealous
God knows I know my homegirl’s precious
Life is crazy I know god bless us
Chill the fuck out I got this you
Got nothing to worry about trust me
You trust in ninjie cause he don’t play
Everything’s going to be okay
I can make your problems go away
And I ain’t scared of shit
Whatever the fuck it is I take care of it
If you’re strapped for cash, heading straight for a crash
I can make cash rain on your ass
Anything you want (you got it)
Anything you need (you got it)
Anything at all (you got it)
Just keep it real with me (you got it)
Ooh I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
Yes I just love him cause he’s so crazy
Just crazy about me
Yes I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
And I just love him cause he’s so crazy
Just crazy about me
You fuckin’ mental, my crazy little girl
Maybe the most psycho chick in the world
You mystical shit just’s not physical
What you and me got’s unfuckwithable
Respect me receive my protection
I’m always right by your side like a weapon
Love me I grant you there will be love
Fuck with my girl there will be blood
All my bitches love me, aw man it’s tough
One crazy girl’s more than enough
This is not ordinary love
This thing you an’ me got girl (mm)
I believe it’s magic (magic)
I believe it’s magic (magic)
I believe it’s magic (magic)
Magic (magic)
Ooh I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
Yes I just love him cause he’s so crazy
Just crazy about me
Ooh I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
Yes I just love him cause he’s so crazy
Just crazy about me
Ugly on the skin
But you’re lovely from within
An angel kiss from me to you
Always there for me when I’m feelin’ blue
You say you’ll stick with me and I know you well
I just get so emotional
When I’m down and feeling weak
With tears streaming down my cheeks
You say the sweetest things
Like material stuff don’t mean a thing
But you take care of me to keep you safe
You so freaky babe
Anything you want (you got it)
Anything you need (you got it)
Anything at all (you got it)
Just keep it real with me (you got it)
Ooh I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
Yes I just love him cause he’s so crazy
Just crazy about me
Yes I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don’t care about anything but me
And I just love him

Progress Report: Part 1

A short post this time — my CT scan has been scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, I’ll get to know the analysis next Tuesday when I go into infusion #5.

Today I bounced out of bed early (for me) and had an incredible day, energy-wise. I’ve not had this much pep for a long while, and being at the midway point between my 4th and 5th infusion, it’s quite puzzling. A big ole bunch of folks must have been thinking of me today, that’s the only explanation. Was it you? Bless you for the extra bump! I feel like I’ve been hovering about 3 inches off the floor all day.

My brother Billy and his family are visiting starting this weekend, hopefully I can get someone to join me at the clinic when I find out about my scan. Because the way I feel, I won’t be surprised if I see progress.

I’ll be back early next week when I can relay results and we’ll see where I’m at with my lovely tumors! Until then, enjoy the emerging springtime, and all of the lovely pollen that coats everything here in NC. Love to all! Lovely lovely lovely!


My company’s annual convention, Catalyst, was held in Nashville this past week and I was in attendance to… well, there’s not a lot a graphic designer does at these things, mostly help with running thumb drives loaded with PowerPoint presentations to the laptops in the seminar rooms. Because, dagnabbit, we’re good at it. Usually we have a big recognizable name show up for a keynote. This year Martha Stewart graced us with her presence and she was great. You might be wondering what she has to do with what my company does (help large companies get on e-commerce and track their sales on the platforms they sell on) but her brand is doing well enough selling online that she can participate in those discussions, because if there’s one thing Martha has always been good at, it’s knowing how things operate under the hood. Perhaps too much, after reviewing her rap sheet.

What’s notable about this year’s Catalyst, is that since I opened my big mouth and am now tasked with capturing corporate video more often, we had to locate a freelance graphic designer to take up the slack and process the ponderous mass of on-site graphics and booklets for Catalyst… enter my better half to knock out those graphics in a most satisfactory fashion. Christine had to scramble to get this Death Star image for our President’s keynote presentation, just as one example.

I had been in Nashville on 2 other occasions to review placement of the convention graphics at the venue and had barely enjoyed Broadway, the main street where multiple live bands play in every bar (no cover) because I was basically flying solo in the evenings. You know I’m not the gregarious type who can just stroll into a bar and make friends immediately — actually, I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed anyone else achieve that who was sober enough to walk into a bar by himself — so I just strolled the streets and stayed away from the festivities in the past. Not so on this trip. Having my co-workers there this time for Catalyst opened up Broadway for me. I discovered a relatively new bar that had just opened called Nudie’s Honky Tonk, a bar dedicated to Nudie Cohn. I fell in love with it immediately, it’s my favorite bar in Nashville now.

During our official Catalyst party at the Wildhorse Saloon I developed a bit of hematuria; the next morning it got a bit worse, and after consulting with my oncologist I was told to go to the ER immediately, probably because of my already-low platelet count. So I dropped everything and hoofed it over to the closest hospital, anxious about making my flight home later that evening. I had to submit a urine sample and it looked like a blood sample. Four and a half hours and a CT scan later, the diagnosis was a simple bladder infection, treatable with antibiotics. They gave me the first dose right there with an IV and it cleared things up immediately. Whew. And I made it home with no issues.

The emergency on Wednesday, just as Catalyst was wrapping up, had plenty of my co-workers on alert. They didn’t want to leave me stranded in the event I had to stay overnight, and set up alternative plans in case I had to. I had brought plenty of gear with me to Nashville but all of my baggage was taken care of, as we had to vacate the venue while I was away. The constant requests for updates and support I received was as if my own family was involved – and in a sense it was: if you have the right people working with you, they are a part of your family and they genuinely care for your well-being. It is another blessing of mine to count my co-workers and the execs I report to as part of my support network. And because there is none of the normal employment-related stress that frequently exists with dealing with certain people at work, it increases my daily positive energy every time I go to the office. I doubt a lot of people can say that, and I’m glad I’m one of the lucky ones. But then, I’ve been pretty lucky so far.

Chemo is next week, the 4th infusion out of…. to be determined. I’m thinking of asking my oncologist to hit me with the full dose of that Vectibix, acne and thinning hair be damned. I believe another CT scan will be scheduled soon, so we can judge the progress of this new chemo regimen, stay tuned for that. Until then, spring is almost here — get out and walk if it’s nice out! I’m feeling a load of positive energy and it’s wonderful. Thank you once more for being here, I love you!

Hey, Pizza-face

One of the new medicines I’m taking for this round of chemo is Panitumumab, a lovely concoction that has the regular side-effects (fatigue, diarrhea, wreaking havoc with electrolytes) but it also comes with a nasty case of acne and rash. Which I discovered during the week I traveled to Colorado for what is starting to become an annual skiing clinic. I left on a Thursday, got 3 good days of skiing in at Keystone, Arapahoe Basin, and Breckenridge, and returned home just in time for another round of chemo.

A huge house was acquired to accommodate the large amount of friends gathered, most of whom are locals to the area, just out of college, and participate in white-water rafting together. So they’re very organized when it comes to partying and skiing: some of them got up early to secure a front-row parking spot at A-basin, which borders the bottom of several ski runs so that a skiier can just finish the run and ski right up to a waiting tailgate. Ours had a grill cooking some sort of meat product at all times while a keg of PBR made sure everyone was hydrated (har). As soon as it was time to move out, everyone knew what to do and did it – no bickering, no egos, just a well-oiled machine of logistics. it was a beautiful thing to behold. Gets you right in the feels… love to see a plan come together. And it didn’t stop there – back at the house someone was always working on the next meal. While I went on a couple grocery store runs (one of my favorite chores anyhow) I didn’t have to worry about cooking!

I made some definite headway in my skiing skills: last year, I skiied after 4 full months of chemo and I wasn’t as strong as I was this time, having only had one infusion before I went. I trusted my body a lot more, had more strength. I was able to ski most of the time on blue runs, which opens up the possibilities for more fun. I was faster and in more control. Instead of Ken having to ski down a slope and wait for me on a green run, I was almost able to keep up with him on blue runs. Big difference, for me anyways. My progress made me feel like I wasn’t the “beginner” anymore. Now, the steeper drops I have problems with. I’ll get there at some point.

Chemo tomorrow… let’s do this –

On vacation

You know when you go on vacation and at some point near the end of it you start to inevitably think about the amount of work piling up, the emails you’ll have to wade through when you come back to reality? That’s how I’ve sort of been regarding this breather since my last round of chemo. And my MRI scan done last Friday would show me the status of how I’d left things: would tumors grow out of control like unattended projects, or would the cancer magically shrink and go away on its own?

The answer to this is: something in between the 2 scenarios. Depending on how you see things, the results from the scan is either a disappointment or a relief: the good news is that my body has been able to keep all of the current cancer in check for the last 11 weeks I’ve been off all chemo. Luckily I got the equivalent of “no one realized I was even on vacation” over the past 11 weeks.

The not-so-good news is that a new “tiny” (my oncologist’s word, not mine) tumor has emerged in my liver that’s about 6mm in diameter, the size of a small pea. So while it’s mostly good, and my oncologist is happy with the status, it’s not much progress in my eyes — but then most of you know I’m my own harshest critic. No matter; I’ll take the mostly unchanged status quo over opportunistic rampant cancer invading my body while the defenses are down. I’ll take that every time, and I hope I get at least that in the future.

What this scan also shows me is that my cancer isn’t aggressive, so I have time to make decisions about next steps without having to worry about this crap overtaking me while I’m waiting to begin next treatments.

Since I’m cleared for embolization, I’m waiting to be scheduled for my first procedure, which is expected to happen probably later this month. The other 2 will occur in short order after that, and I should be done with those operations by… the end of July? Not sure, with the way things seem to be going; who knows when I’ll be treated? All I know is that I’m in much less of a hurry to get back to radiation / chemo than I was 3 months ago. I’m probably looking at more low-grade chemo in the fall to maintain control over whatever cancer is left after I complete nuclear testing within my liver.

So now I wait for the appointment that begins the next course of treatment. Thank you for your continued support, thoughts and prayers. It’s tough to keep up support for loved ones with cancer, as the journey ahead seems to get longer and longer every time I think about it, and it’s a lot of energy to maintain. Much love to all of you who visit here, I cherish the energy I get from you; it keeps me strong and I doubt this past scan would have been as positive without your help.

I’ve accepted that I might be having to live with this for quite some time… an attitude that requires less emotional intensity extended over many months ahead. It’s a realization over which I’m not beating myself up anymore. I’m not being defeatist, as I’m still committed to fighting this to the end… but I need to continue to pace myself. I need to ‘put away’ thoughts of my affliction sometimes and keep enjoying each day as it comes, because that’s all I really need to do. It’s all that any of us can do.

Time to hit the beach next week, something I haven’t been able to do since Easter 2014. I’m so excited — I’ll see you when I get back!

Happy Valentine’s Day

skiingBack from my trip to CO and continue to feel quite strong in the aftermath; in addition to skiing, I got a chance to briefly visit an old childhood neighbor of mine who happens to live close to Denver and is recovering rapidly from Guillain-Barre syndrome. Ginny and the rest of her family have seen their share of difficulties – and then some – but they’re a bunch of fighters, and they inspire me immensely.

We rented a cabin in Silverthorne and skied Keystone on the first and third days, and did Breckenridge on day 2, which was my favorite. I had a bit of an issue acclimating to the mountain air the first day or so but by the time I got to Breck I was full of energy and had a blast. Local friends showed up and we had at least 2 dozen to watch the Super Bowl on Sunday, plus 4 dogs. Lots of festive energy there (good thing I’m not much of a Panthers fan. Go Bears!). Thanks to my brother-in-law Matt for lending me the sweet gear, I was always comfortable and warm because of your generosity. And much love to Scott, Sean, JD and most of all Ken, who was always keeping an eye on this slowpoke and never left my side as I carefully made my way down the slopes.

The timing of my trip was such that I had to go right into my 9th chemo infusion the day after my return, but I was surfing on so much energy provided by my buddies on the trip that I took this round easily… the extra chemo is starting to affect me a couple days after by making me super tired, but a good night’s sleep along with remembering the fun I’ve just had gives me a good rebound.

I’ve determined that when I get to do really fun stuff, the side-effects from the chemo seem to go away temporarily. That tends to encourage a bit of selfishness and a want to say “no thanks” when stuff I feel I need to do comes up. But I claim to still be a grown-up, and as I have responsibilities to my work and family, I gotta do what I gotta do. That’s part of life’s struggle we all have to face, I guess. I can just feel it more now.

Next infusion is a milestone in that I will have my last pre-surgery CT scan immediately after and I can see the progress made since early December; my surgeons will take a look at what they have to cut out and I’ll be taken off of some of the medicines to prepare for surgery. I’m excited (instead of previously being anxious) to see this scan, as I know I’m going in the right direction here, and hopefully have made enough progress to save that left half of my liver.

As (I think) I mentioned before, normal CEA levels are approximately 2.5 µg/L; I’m at 2.8 as of Wednesday (I was at 20 when I was diagnosed). Not sure if I’m gonna hit that 2.5 mark but it appears my cancer ‘mothership’ located in my sigmoid colon is definitely being taken off-line.

Not much else to report, stay tuned for CT scan results in about 2 weeks! Until then, I thank you dearly for the continued supply of healing energy, it is keeping me going here. Love to all on this Valentine’s Day tomorrow, please hug and kiss your own ‘personal support system’ for me.

Rocky Mountain High

Sort of a weird day today: I’ve been invited to embark on a weekend ski vacation by Ken, one of my oldest friends and the best man at my wedding. I’ll be in Denver starting tomorrow with just a handful of my friends with whom I play Omaha Poker, trying to stay upright on skis for at least part of the 3 full days we’re there. I haven’t been on skis in about 9 years, and I’ve never been on any slope west of WVA, so this will be interesting. Helmets will be required for Young Eric.

The excitement of the impending adventure is tempered by the crappy non-stop rain we’ve had here for the last 2 days and the news that my cousin Dave succumbed to his pancreatic cancer this morning. Based on what I know from my aunt, his life was a bit difficult, having to seemingly always travel from Florida to see his daughter in Iowa, separated by divorce I think. I’m of the opinion that he’s in a better place now, and am content knowing his struggles here are done. Rest in peace, Dave… I love you, man.

On a more personal note, I’m still contending with the effects of the more aggressive chemo dosage, with the first stages of neuropathy settling into my fingers and tongue consistently now. It’s also playing havoc with my digestive system, my tummy feels like I ate shellfish that I probably shouldn’t have, if you get my drift. I don’t get hunger pangs or feelings of fullness, like my stomach is numb. I haven’t been skipping meals however, and continue to eat regularly, though I’ve just tipped the scales at under 200 pounds yesterday, which I’m sort of thrilled about even though I know I’m going to catch hell from my oncologist… I haven’t been at this weight since the Clinton administration. I’ve had to buy new jeans that fit me better and – since I’ve started to take up leather working as (yet) another hobby – I’ve made a better-fitting belt as well. So that’s sort of a positive side effect: weight loss thru aggressive chemotherapy! Eat whatever you want, assuming you’re not nauseous! Take some Imodium and enjoy the slimmer, new you! Buy new clothes and make leather-based accessories, if you’re handy!

OK enough of that, it’s silly. If you need me I’ll be on the slopes, or in the lodge, enjoying the mountains and recharging. Stay strong!


Been a long week, the side effects are lingering longer this time. I blame not having the rush of energy provided my the 5th Floor Shanks crew that I had around Thanksgiving. Oh well, what are you gonna do.  Still quite strong, but my mood has softened against my affliction since the new CT scan, I’m finding that I tire easily having to get angry at something that is already going away. So I’m a lot more quiet against it, gently suffocating it and telling the cancer ssssh, it’s all right. Time to go now. A little morbid I know, but it beats having to constantly nuke it psionically.

Not much else to talk about until next Tuesday, which is my 6th and last scheduled infusion. No updates on when my surgery will occur either, sorta stuck in limbo for the moment. So I’ll throw yet another song out here from my favorite Australian band, the Drones. Enjoy and we’ll see if we can’t post some news next week.

PS: Hey, if I don’t have your address, please contact me (thru email or Facebook, etc) and shoot it over so I can send a Christmas Card! You got only the weekend to do so before I mail them, don’t delay!

we don’t write letters any more
there ain’t the time or place
but a friend of mine wrote something like
a letter yesterday

it was smuggled through my inbox
just this morning, 3am
more impotent than important
but let me read it now, verbatim

he says i got that same old feeling
the one that turns the birds to brutes
the sky is like a bad dream
and the Earth is in cahoots

i don’t believe no one no more
i don’t care what no one says
i just wanna make the world
a much less painful place

we look fonder on the good old days
as they drift further away
but why if everyone feels so homesick
are they always setting sail?

’cause it’s all bad news up there on deck
and each headland masks the next
i’d just as soon dive in the ocean
and forego the blood and sweat

forego all aspirations
they just put everyone at odds
if idle hands are the devil’s work
then where’s the time for God’s?

and why write a letter that you’ll never send away

why won’t you stay with me, wait and see
all you need know
nobody’s perfect and their needs are always stark
stay with me, wait you’ll see
all you need know
everybody’s hurting and their needs are always stark

and who cares about wars of choice in lands
where states indulge their passions
and all the new shoots just jackbootscoot
all dissent out of fashion

like Fred Astaires at a film premier
that is all about them
it’s stirring stuff, transformative
they don’t care where they’re sent

they’re all kiss chasing childish
dreams of privileged masculinity
’till they’re spent by shock and discharged
home to small town and big city

the rest are the type left dying or dead
from trying to be useful
they’ve been handy in the years gone by
and they’ll be handy in the future

and who cares for their survival
and who cares about the Yanks
who cares if they get overrun
by Chinese nukes and tanks

who cares about the holocaust
man we didn’t learn nothing there
and all it’s memory does is
keep the History Channel on air

who cares about the Vatican
man everybody knows
and who’s surprised they went and
chose a nazi for a pope?

who cares about fakes like anarchists
man they never want to dance
let’s mambo Mogadishu
give anarchy a chance

i’m saying life is cruel, you know it’s true
but all sides still try and recruit you
for shangri-las as practical
as doing the karma sutra

why write a letter that you’ll never send away

why won’t you stay with me, wait and see
all you need know
nobody’s perfect and their needs are always stark
stay with me, wait you’ll see
all you need know
everybody skirts the fact their needs are always stark

and who cares if the starving millions
know if it’s christmas or your birthday
or what movie stars in Africa
or the guy from U2 says

or all the statesmen never telling
lies as truth or gospel
who cares what’s true or false
the truth’s the world won’t go to hospital

but who needs to live forever
who needs the extra miles
we won’t need bees or seed banks
in the Arctic for a while

we play the game to start again
not to better life for all
it’s the appropriate opiate
when a better way’s impossible

some honesty now wouldn’t go astray
if not, then what’s the use?
we’re animals, we can’t help doing
what all animals do

so goodbye my friend, i’m hitting send
forgive me talking straight
i’m only trying to make the world
a much less painful place

and why write a letter that you’ll never send away?