I only have myself to blame

Well, this is no good and it’s all my doing. Apologies for the lack of posts, it was a habit I got into last year when I was off chemo and doing my own thing and everything was on the mend. Now, with my energies down and being back on the chemo, I’m feeling the effects of not sharing. It basically stems from 2 of my personality traits: I probably trend just barely towards being an introvert (especially if i’m not feeling well), and I dislike complaining – either from me or others, I tend to avoid it if i can. Well, it backfires if I just clam up and don’t post, I don’t get the awareness out and I stop receiving the positive energy I need from you if you don’t know what’s going on.

So over the next few days I promise to light this blog up; chemo infusion #3 is on Tuesday, and I need a boost. I might complain a little. Anything to get a post out and get some energy moving, right?

Anyhow, my aunt Kathy called me out of the blue the other week and let me know she was visiting her grand-daughter a couple hours away in Jacksonville NC and wanted to see whether I was available to visit. As this is kin I’ve managed to see only once in the last 30 years, and who was responsible for this and has been constantly sending me cards and letters since this all started, I cleared out the next Saturday, piled the family into the car and spent the afternoon in Wilmington for a wonderful visit. We even made it to the beach. Her knees aren’t what they used to be, so we didn’t do much walking as we just talked and caught up.

2 days after this picture was taken, my face exploded in acne

Mary Kathleen Walker is a few years older than my mother and has been through some tough times recently (lost her husband in 2015, and her oldest son to pancreatic cancer early last year) but you won’t find a more jovial, more positive soul anywhere. Always giggling, her enthusiasm is infectious. The more time I spent with her the more I discovered how much alike we were. I swear I could have spent a week talking with her nonstop. And her hugs – well, they’re the next best thing than my own mother’s, just by definition.

Seeing older relatives as time passes highlights how important sibling relationships are: on my mother’s side of the family, everyone else from their generation is gone – their oldest sister Martha passed in the last year, so the sisters are all that are left. (Grandpa Walker was fifty when he married my grandmother, who was half his age; he died when I was a toddler.) Needless to say my mother and Aunt Kathy are closer than ever. Be kind to your brothers and sisters, over time they’ll be the only other people on this earth who will remember you back when you were just a little squirt, and to have that bridge back to our childhood through blood relatives is a blessing.

Good sturdy Iowan girls – hearts of gold, those Walker sisters.

7 thoughts on “I only have myself to blame”

  1. Eric, you have been in our thoughts a lot lately, but unfortunately like you, life has gotten in the way of actually reaching out. I’m going to make a better effort in this. We are here if you ever need an ear. We love you!

  2. Hey, just read your blog. It is always good to hear from you. Glad you were able to get together with your relative at the beach (we did see that picture). We know what you mean about family and how important it is to stay in touch. We think of you and your family as our family. We are in town and hope to see you before heading north again. Keep on working hard to stay healthy and positive…and I know you will.
    Lots of love from Millie and Bob

  3. Hey, Kiddo…..you must know that not one of your ‘groupies ‘ has taken a step back from being in your corner! We can certainly allow you breathing space, and I think these weeks of getting yourself into a healthy , as relaxed state as you can, has been wonderful for you. Now write your posts , and bask in the love that’s always here for you! However, I love you more!!

  4. I’m directing tons of positive energy your way Eric. I’m glad to hear you got to spend quality time with your aunt Kathy. There’s nothing like catching up with family.

  5. E! Very cool to reconnect with your Aunt after all those years. She looks like a blast to hang out with. Great picture too. Keep the chin up!

  6. Hang in there! Healing energy is on the way!

    So a story to make you smile (I hope). I’ve been working out more, and that has caused those pesky little hemorrhoids to whinge, moan, complain and bleed (I hate the complaining too!) Saw my GYN, and she suggested I get another colonoscopy just in cases (like the Love Actually reference?) which just made me whinge and complain. A couple nights later, I had a dream where we were having a drink, and you lowered your head and looked up at me from under those eyebrows, and said “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?” I woke up the next morning and scheduled the appointment. I’m sure it’s nothing, but hope it’s nice to know that my subconscious has made you the protector of my colon! 🙂

  7. We’ll take reports when we get them and be satisfied!

    Do not think you are obligated to write to get our positive energy. It is hard to find balance between “wanting to see you” and giving you the space to heal. Thank you for the updates and know, know, know we are always holding you and the family in the light!

    Complaints! I haven’t heard a one from you, they aren’t complaints if the challenge is real. Keep on, keepin’ on brother!


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